The Fucking Hamster Guide

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Please visit the Hogs of Destiny Forums to post any questions or comments regarding this guide. Thank you.

Funktastic and JennyUnderpants would like to present The Fucking Hamster Guide. Why a Fucking Guide and not just a guide? Well, after leading so many of these things, and after you see so many of the same fuckups over and over and over again, you find that you can't express your thoughts on hamstering without venturing into the profane. For the doubtful, I say hamster 80+ times, then see if you agree with the language herein.

DON'T BE FOOLED! Semen's Pokeable Bi Guys would trick you into believing that there is a kinder, gentler version of the guide, one that you can read without crying. To that, I say that tears are integral to a hamster run, and this guide is here to make sure they are someone else's and not yours. I mean, I could be soft on you and not say "fuck" a lot, but that would not prepare you for the reality of a hamster run. So suck it the fuck up, or go back to the relative safety of proxying off your ascensions.

Before you even get started, this section is meant for your lackeys, runners, shanghaiians, dupes, bitches, the press-ganged, or whatever you want to call the group of people you're tricked into doing a hamster run for you. The section for the Hamster Leader, the Man Behind the Curtain, O Captain My Captain, His August Presence of Hamsterness in This Realm (or if it fails, That Ballsniffer) is on this page. So if that's you, well don't skip ahead since you'll need to know what you're telling everyone to do.


The Fucking Hamster Guide (Lackey Version)

As it has come to my attention that hamster runs are still being attempted by people everywhere, it falls to me to write a guide to hamstering. A fucking guide, even. I expect you hamster runners to be able to quote this thing back to me verbatim before a single sewer grate gets done, with not a single fuck word out of place. That being said:

RULE #1: FUCKING LISTEN TO WHAT IS BEING SAID. DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE TOLD AND DON'T VOLUNTEER. Personally? If I want 5 fucking skins made, I want them made by the fucking person I asked to do it, and NOT YOU. That's how you wind up with 10 fucking skins and a coat. And if you get a coat, someone will get you your hamster AND SMASH IT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES WHILE YOU CRY.


That's the important part right there. Now, on to actual nuts and bolts.

1. Your cagebitch gets fucking caged. If you are the fucking cager, then know ye this: GRATES ONLY AND CLEESH UNTIL YOU ARE CAUGHT. That's jumping ahead a bit to the part about grates, which is coming up anyways in #2. Oh, and once you are caught, FUCKING LOG OUT. You can say all the clever shit when you're out of the cagebitch's pants and back into your own. No one likes a chatty cagebitch, especially one that keeps going "lookie lookie my mouse pointer almost hit 'chew' again."

2. Grate bitches open 20 fucking grates for us. NOT 15 OR 16, 20. TWO-ZERO. TWENTY TIMES (IN DOLLARS) THE MARKET PRICE FOR YOUR MOM'S FAVORS. Suggestions such as "oh let's run with full consumables instead and do fewer grates" will be looked at with scorn, even if you offer to pay for everyone's dumplings. It only makes sense on a run where you're selling a hamster and have to bring another person down, which we're not getting into in this guide. OH AND MAKE SURE YOU FUCKING CLEESH. What's that? You really want to know about bringing another person down? See 3a. Or you're fucking crazy and you don't want to open any grates? Skip to 3c, you psycho bitch. Otherwise, just open 20 fucking grates, ok?

- DO NOT take any fucking tunnels before the grates are open.
- DO NOT open any fucking valves.

3. OK, 20 grates are done? Time to take some fucking tunnels. MAKE SURE YOUR FUCKING BINDER IS ON. MAKE SURE YOU ARE FUCKING CLEESHING. Run some fucking noncombats because this might take a bit.

BUT WAIT! What's this about chieftains?! Chieftains are good! They're a semi-rare adventure in the sewers. They count as a kill (1 point) towards your sewer exploring, but they DON'T count towards the fucking total. Not only that, they count towards your explorations even if the fucking dungeon is closed (as long as you do your kills in the clan you do the hamster run in). So what does this mean? Well, you need 100 points to clear the sewer with 16 points per tunnel, so you have a few options.

3a. You can kill 4 chieftains (4 points) using some combination of black box, putty, fax, actual SR timing, 4-d cameras, or even an arrow that's more romantic than you'll ever be and clear the sewers with only 6 tunnels running full consumables (16 points per tunnel * 6 tunnels = 96 points). That will get you through in 7 turns instead of 8. This method is nice for when you have people without all their binder glyphs (you may call them assholes if you like), or when you have a buyer or some additional non-runner you want to get through the sewers. Or, if you don't really feel like opening all those grates. Lazy dicks. Don't forget, you must run full consumables to take advantage. That means like, 18 oils of oiliness, 6 dumplings, 6 umbrellas, 6 ooze-os, and 6 sewer wads.

3b. You can say, "Fuck chieftains. Do I give a shit about semirares and putties and cameras? No. I just want a fucking hamster." Now, if you have 20 codes, congratufuckinglations! You need to pass 2 consumable tests to make it through in 7 tunnels. Why? Fuck you. Do some fucking math. That means oil of oiliness (have 3 for each test, fuckers) and sewer wads should be enough to get you through. Sometimes the sewer will fuck with you because it knows HOW BADLY we want you to fuck up so we can kill you, and only give you dumpling/ooze-o tests. Have one lying around just in case. Less than 20 codes? Full consumables, please. Fucked up and didn't equip your binder? Then you weren't paying close enough attention, dumbass! Full consumables.
Fucking math: Each consumable test in the tunnel is worth 1 point, with 2 consumables per tunnel. If you fail all tests but two, that works out to 7 tunnels * 14 non-consumables tests passed + 2 points for your fucking sewer wad and oilinesses.

3c. Are are Noblesse Oblige? Are you really fucking crazy? This is the option for you! Keep the dungeon shut for 2 weeks. Kill 100 chieftains. Fax one in. Putty it 5 times. 4-d camera it once. Nail it with a romantic arrow with a quiver equipped on the angel. Just slaughter chieftains and watch your Filthy Crown trophy pile grow. Have all your fucking runners do this. Hell, do a 3-band run and have 21 crazy fuckers do it. Then once the dungeon is open, HOLY SHIT, it's the AT LAST adventure! Everyone is magically through!! No, I am not going to discuss the 3-band run here. Fuck off.

You can also combine these strategies. For example, you know that Slacker McNoobshoes hasn't ascended and only has 12 glyphs. You know this will translate to that fucker getting about 12 tunnels of exploring. That means your other, better, and probably better-looking runners can pick up the slack for Slacker McNoobshoes and kill some fucking chieftains.

RULE THREE AND A HALF, AS THIS IS IMPORTANT: DO NOT MAFIA UNLESS YOU ARE 100% CERTAIN YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE DOING. I don't want to hear "mafia fucked up" as your reason why you just added a shitload of turns to the run, and neither will the person running your run. You are going to be paying to reopen, and apologizing to everyone for wasting their fucking time and adventures. Especially do not mafia your tunnels. You've probably been doing your girlfriend's tunnels on autopilot and that's why she's cheating on you RIGHT NOW while you've been learning about hamster runs.

4. FUCKING TOWN SQUARE. See the announcement in the clan? Good. See where it has your name? Good. See the parts assignment next to your name? ALSO GOOD. See where I'm going with this? I hope so. Make 146 (one hundred and forty-six and no/100) of your fucking assigned part. Anyone who brings up 107 parts has been reading the fucking outdated guide.

- MAKE SURE YOU CAN OVERKILL. And I mean really overkill, I want you to see TEN THOUSAND POINTS OF DAMAGE PER HOBO. Not 501 or some limp-ass pen0r Rayne* shit. BUY POTIONS AND USE THEM AND DO NOT BE A CHEAPASS. The last thing anyone wants to hear is whining about cost, and if the effort of not running your mouth off for an entire hamster run is too great then I'll gladly sell you one instead, for one meat under whoever's still selling them. Which is 19,999,999 meat or thereabouts, last I checked.
(*Rayne is an ex-clannie whose pen0r frequently went all wilty, especially when it came to overkilling. As a sauceror. We later booted him for eating 5 pounds of spicy ham at us, and liveblogging the results in /clan.)

- AND DON'T TEST OUT YOUR OVERKILLING IN TOWN SQUARE. Go find somewhere else, make sure you see 10 thousand damage, then make your parts.

5. Fucking shows. Everyone meets up at the arranged time. Don't keep people waiting, and plan to be DOING THE FUCKING HAMSTER RUN. Not eating dinner, or making self-discoveries, or writing love letters to your sweetie. And what happens is this: The person running the show will set off the scobos, and announce that a tent is up, or the flaps are open, or that there is a cavernous orifice awaiting your entry.

When the fucking tent is open, MAKE SURE YOUR FUCKING INSTRUMENT IS ON. SET AA TO FUCKING CLEESH. BOOST FUCKING NONCOMBATS. Then go find the tent. If you are performing, choose to "Slip in the back". If you are moshing, choose to "Head in the front."


When everyone is on stage, then either of those choices will show you that there is a throng of hobos. If there is a throng, then it is OK to start a mosh pit. You will see an dungeon announcement that the mosh pit happened, after which YOU WILL CLICK KEEP PERFORMING.


Whoever's running the fucking thing will ask you to click keep performing and say that you're offstage. It is fucking important that you get offstage, because we cannot do the next show properly unless all your asses are offstage.


6. Total fucking number of shows. That would be 8. Whoever's running this will be making parts and scobos between shows to open tents. You get to sit around while this happens, unless asked specifically to make parts, which will happen probably for tent #8. If that happens, refer to rule #1 and don't do anything unless told.

7. Fucking uberhodg. Assuming that you've all gotten this far and not fucked up, Uberhodg is not your problem. Just sit back and relax. Until tomorrow's hamster run, that is...

The Fucking Hamster Guide (August Personage Who's Running Things Version)

RULE #1. RULE THE HAMSTER RUN WITH AN IRON FIST. Make them fear your wrath. Tolerate no fuckups, or waffling, or unexpected vanishing, or excuses. Watch what people are doing, and make sure it isn't anything you don't want them to do. Basically, the better people understand exactly what they're supposed to do, the less problems you have with the run :)

Feel free to chew out anyone who does something stupid. The rest of everyone will assuredly jump in.

0. Organizing the run. I don't know if I need to say this, but you need to have 1 of each class WITH INSTRUMENT (the fuckers will turn up without 'em), chum bait, a mosher, and one of your runners needs to also be a hodgslayer (not the chum bait obviously). POST your hamster lineup in your clan announcements, and make sure to assign parts to each runner (146 of each part, this will mean that someone gets to not make parts, usually you) and make sure you include START TIME, TIME ZONE, and YES EVEN THE DATE OF THE RUN. Give them no chance to fuck this up on a technicality.

1. Fucking Sewers. It takes 100 points to get through the sewer, where each sewer monster killed is worth 1 point. Each tunnel is worth a total of 16 points: passing an easy test is worth 1 point, a medium test 3, and a hard test 5. An open grate is 5, and each consumable test is 1. If all 20 grates are open, you're guaranteed to get an open grate. You aren't guaranteed to pass the hard test unless you have all 20 codes, so make anyone with less than a full binder runs full consumables. Otherwise, 2 consumable tests is fine for your full-binder folks. And if some dumbass does a tunnel without the binder, then full consumables there too.

You can also choose to open only 15 grates and make all the runners have a full complement of consumables, but that gets expensive, and if you fail 3 grate tests you need another tunnel anyway. Basically, each open grate equals another 5% chance of making it through, so you can set that up however you want with whatever percentage chance you want. However, this method fucking sucks unless you're trying to sell the hamster and need to bring someone else through.

2. Fucking Scobos. This is really the main thing here, in terms of what's going to frustrate or worry you the most. Gameplay-wise, that is. The thing that's going to frustrate you the most overall is your fucking hamster runners.

There are ~3000 hobos in town square. The first tent opens at 1500. Each show is worth ~100 hobos, and there is a 100-hobo cooldown between shows, before the next tent opens. Start by making 146 of each part, this saves the time and effort of making more scobos after each show (at least until the last one.)

To open the first tent, you'll want to set off some scobos. How many? Each scobo, when set off, is worth 6-10 regular hobos, average 8. So, with 146 parts, that's 876 kills in town square already. 1500-876 = 624 hobos left before the tent, 624/8 = 78 scobos to set off, but wait one moment! Don't just set off 78, give the RNG a chance to give you some love. Start with 70 (69 if you're kinky) and keep setting off scobos one at a time until the tent opens.

When the tent is open, announce it in chat. Remind all the dumbasses to set CLEESH to auto attack and equip their instruments. If someone shows up to a tent with no instrument on, this is a minor infraction. They can choose to ignore the tent and still be able to find it again; even if they try to go backstage, they'll be turned away.

Once you see a throng of hobos, make sure that everyone's declared that they're offstage, and that you've counted 6/6 people off before starting in on more scobos. Why? Because if that one fucker is left on stage for the next show and didn't get off the stage between shows, he shows up as a ghost performer: he's still performing, but his performance doesn't count. You've just done a 5-person show and only killed like ~64-75 instead of ~100. At this point, feel free to fuck that runner in the skull.

3. Fucking Tent Cooldowns. 100 Hobos between tents. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll offer to fellate (or cunnilinguate, if the RNG is a lady) the RNG.

- IF YOU HAVE 12 OR MORE SCOBOS ALREADY MADE: You can try 10 scobos first, but this is like getting 20/20 matches on Keno. It just doesn't happen. I start with 11 scobos, and actually even had that open a tent once. I wept. But when 11 doesn't do it, then set off 1 more, then make parts one at a time until the tent opens.

Oh, and parts-making. Love songs are the easiest way to do this, just make sure all your stats are high enough for overkilling. Make one of each part until you have a full scobo (i.e. just go down the list of love songs.) Check after each part (PART, NOT SCOBO) to see if the tent is open. If this isn't the last tent, then DON'T set off any more scobos once you make the parts.

- IF YOU DON'T HAVE 12 SCOBOS: It's probably Tent 8. Calculation time! If a scobo's worth 8 average and takes 6 parts to make, to estimate how many scobos you need for any situation where you're making parts, divide by 14. This is because the killing you're going to be doing for the parts also counts towards opening the next tent. So if you're out of scobos entirely, 100/14 = 7 and change, so start by making 7 scobos and setting those off.

If you have scobos left, give yourself 8 kills worth of credit for each one you have, so if it's tent 8 and there's 2 scobos, figure you need 100-(8*2) = 84 kills. Then, 84/14 = 6 scobos. Once you think you're reasonably close to opening the tent again, go back to parts-making one at a time, however, if this is the last tent, then set off a scobo as soon as you make it. Sometimes, because each show doesn't always kill exactly 100, you won't clear the square after the last show. If that happens, make parts one by one again. Fire a scobo if you end up making 6 parts.

4. Fucking Uberhodg. If you're running the bosskiller, then equip your best +muscle/+HP weapon and shield, your disembodied hand with a +musc/+HP weapon, or potato. No other gear matters, and MAKE SURE TO HEAL. If someone has sent you spines and jelly while you're logged in, you'll need to log out and back in again so they show up correctly in combat. You need something in the 7000-8000s for HP to survive. Oh and MAKE SURE TO HEAL.

Defeating hodgman. Funksling 2 pufferfish spines for the first 5 rounds. On the 6th round, funksling KY (spectral) jelly + spine. Then, 3 more rounds of 2x spines, and you're done!